Imperfectly perfectly me

by byanika on 22/10/2011 · 54 comments

in By Anika,self worth,snake,tribal

Hi Sweethearts!

I am as beautiful at any given time as I perceive my self to be, you know?

Over the last months I have lost a lot of weight, to the point where people have started adressing it, as apposed to asking me if I have done something different with my hair (um, yes, it looks bigger in relation to my lovely butt than it used to).

I have it found it very interesting to observe what comments I have received and my own reaction to the feedback.

Some people have been worried about my weight loss, asking if it is due to stress. They are totally on point, I haven`t tried to loose any, it simply happened. Some feel that I am more beautiful now that I am slimmer, others feel the opposite.

As for me? I have found that the comments don`t really affect me at all, not the positive ones, not the negative ones.

The thing is, I think that I am beautiful – regardless of being able to cross my legs sitting down or not. I am not perfect, but I am perfectly me.

Before I lost the weight I had already broken through my personal sound barrier, I had accepted and grown to love my body, just the way it is, with all of it`s imperfect perfections. I was already wearing colours and prints to my heart`s desire. I was happy with my looks. I didn`t have a need to loose weight, and now that I have I don`t feel any less va va voom.

My weight may vary. People`s perception of my external beauty may change. My own truth about my beauty is constant.

I stopped hiding a long time ago. If you squint a little you can still see me.

The outfit: I sewed this dress this morning, using some cotton fabric and part of an H&M-dress. The bolero is a Zara scarf that I reworked. The bling is Gina Tricot and a bag strap. The wegdes are Vagabond.

Tell me my friends, how do you deal with attention to your looks? How do you perceive your own beauty?

 

 I would love to connect with you!

For the full impact of your wonderful comments go to #byanikareaders where I quote and share your best ones!

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{ 52 comments… read them below or add one }

1 KatrinNo Gravatar October 22, 2011 at 7:38 pm

Hmm wow that is so awesome. I think I have not reached at this point, but I am on a good way to it. Even a year ago I thought a lot more about my weight and if I want to loose some pounds or not, but today I don’t care that much about it anymore. I am not longer wanting or not wanting or at all thinking about it for half of the day and that is awesome.

You are so inspirational and you are right: I absolutely believe that if you really love yourself and you body as it is, gaining or loosing weight doesn’t change a thing about that. And how fucking awesome is that? That is like the Body-Nirvana. Spread the word girl, cause everyone should know that they can get there!

<3 looooove and huggs. Your shoes are amazing, by the way.

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byanika 2 byanikaNo Gravatar
Twitter:
October 22, 2011 at 7:49 pm

Girlfriend, you know I love you, right? I think about you often! And, I haven`t forgotten about writing for you. If you have specific topics that you want me to tackle, write me! Thank you so much for your comment. You are wonderful, full stop.

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3 The Notorious ZAGNo Gravatar October 22, 2011 at 7:48 pm

I always love, love, love your blog posts. You are such an inspiration to so many of us, and I thank you for that. You are giving us the true definition of “body acceptance.” Real body acceptance is self acceptance, meaning that you love yourself at any size because at any moment, its a part of who you are. I thank people who compliment on my miniscule weight loss, and being called too fat doesn’t bother me either. I’m fine with HOW I am because I love WHO I am, and weight does not dictate my personality or thoughts. Your print mixing is so expert and out of this world… its unique and perfect for YOU.

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4 AnikaNo Gravatar
Twitter:
October 22, 2011 at 7:57 pm

You know what, your feedback means so much to me. Truly! I was going Yes, yes, yes, reading your comment. A-freakin-men. It is a state of personal freedom, you know? Not easy to come by, but so worth it. I love how you are, and I love YOU!

As for the prints, I sort of felt the outfit was a little bland. LOL

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5 TerriNo Gravatar October 22, 2011 at 7:50 pm

Your spirit is the first thing I see in you…always. And it is big and generous!

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6 AnikaNo Gravatar
Twitter:
October 22, 2011 at 7:55 pm

I love that! Thank you. It is what I always notice first about you too, and about everyone I meet. The real deal, that is what I am interested in. Love to you!

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7 CharlieNo Gravatar
Twitter:
October 22, 2011 at 8:10 pm

What a wonderful post! I really enjoy seeing you confident and beautiful and so strong. And what a wonderful dress again! xxx

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byanika 8 byanikaNo Gravatar
Twitter:
October 22, 2011 at 8:25 pm

Tusen takk kjære! I really appreciate all the love, and I am sending it right back to you. And, I still would love for you to come visit me! Come stay with me! Puss puss

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9 CharlieNo Gravatar
Twitter:
October 22, 2011 at 8:36 pm

I would love to visit you once I get a bit more time, and I would love for you to visit me in Finland, too!

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10 THE-LOUDMOUTHNo Gravatar
Twitter:
October 22, 2011 at 8:13 pm

You have always been beautiful to me, no matter what your weight or hairstyle (though it DOES look redder, teehee). However, you do look even more gorgeous here and it’s because you look so happy and relaxed and powerful! Seriously, that second picture — WOW. You blow me away.

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byanika 11 byanikaNo Gravatar
Twitter:
October 22, 2011 at 8:25 pm

Thank you sweetheart, I feel the same way about you. And yes, woman, you know me well, I recently coloured my locks. hihihihi. It amazes me that I can bounce back so quickly and feel relaxed and happyish with in my self even during one of the shittiest times of my life. That IS powerful, you are right. And you my dear, keep looking out for that fake xmas tree, just a slightly smaller one. LOL. Love you!

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12 Lauren NicoleNo Gravatar
Twitter:
October 22, 2011 at 8:16 pm

You always have a way of having perfect timing. I my friend, am the most insecure person I know. I wish I was as confident as you, Anika..

About one hour ago, my co worker told me, “you know Lauren, you are so beautiful inside and out, it’s time you start believing it.”

I’m trying, and I’ve improved, I’m more on “my side,” and less on “everyone else’s side.”

Thank you for this. It just reassured myself of what it is I have to change.

xoxo
ps.
I keep telling to myself… “You are, what you think you are.”

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byanika 13 byanikaNo Gravatar
Twitter:
October 22, 2011 at 8:22 pm

Isn`t it funny, I had a feeling I needed to adress this issue today. I know what you mean my friend, it is such hard work! For me, the abuse I was subjected to was directly linked to how I look, getting punished for not looking/being good enough. No matter what the reason for feeling insecure about our selves is I think it is personal triumph every time we manage to catch us thinking a derogatory thought about ourselves, and then change it. I think you are very brave for tackeling this, for feeding your soul. I work at it every day, checking and readjusting my inner monolouge if I need to. I just don`t want to be my own enemy, you know?

I love you.

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14 Lauren NicoleNo Gravatar
Twitter:
October 22, 2011 at 8:34 pm

you are completely right.

and i love you too! thank you for this again.

You are beautiful inside and out. I hope to be as confident as you.

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byanika 15 byanikaNo Gravatar
Twitter:
October 22, 2011 at 11:18 pm

You will be, sweetheart, you are moving towards your self with every step. Big hugs and lots of kisses to you from me.

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16 SACRAMENTONo Gravatar October 22, 2011 at 8:28 pm

It only worried me just in case you were ill, but if you are find. I always have found, and find you STUNNING.
Beauty has nothing to do with weight.
Mil besos, corazón. Love u
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

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byanika 17 byanikaNo Gravatar
Twitter:
October 22, 2011 at 8:33 pm

My sweet sweet friend, I truly appreciate your concern and love for me. You blow me away, always. I think of you and my heart flutters. I hope you are well on every level. I love you so! Hugs and kisses to you from me.

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18 CameronNo Gravatar
Twitter:
October 22, 2011 at 9:10 pm

The first I usually notice is your latest outfit; you are a really fast seamstress madame !

As for your weight, I’m just happy to hear it’s not from Type II diabetes (which caused my father to lose a lot of weight rapidly enough to scare us; he used to lift weights and was big) or cancer (which my father thought he had until he found out it was diabetes).

How do I perceive my own beauty? I suppose it’s just there.

How do I deal with attention to my looks? I wish others would pay attention; all I get are random, possibly homeless men my father’s age (50s) who compliment me on my looks just so they can get in my pants… even after I tell them I’m transgender, thinking that’ll turn them off. No; now I’m a fetish for them. Yeah, great, thanks. Now how about someone my age and, more importantly, someone who doesn’t have the same equipment as I?

Oh well. So, what have you done with your hair?

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byanika 19 byanikaNo Gravatar
Twitter:
October 22, 2011 at 11:18 pm

Merci cherie!

I can only imagine the ordeal your father and you all went through. My heart goes out to you.

I would check you out if I saw you, love! As for who is attracted to, there seems to be a distinct pattern to the men who seek me out lately, and they are often illegal immigrants who are into shady business. Lord have mercy on us both, and thank God for the sense of humour that helps me get some great stories out of it. I want exactely what you do.

As for my hair, same as always, coloured it (went grey at 25 but the colour I use is very close to my natural one), straightened it and sweared profusely as I stepped out into the wind.

Honey, you know I love you, right? Cause I sure do.

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20 CameronNo Gravatar
Twitter:
October 23, 2011 at 12:29 am

I know you love me; it’s who you are. *big hugs*

And thank you; my father’s doing much better since his diagnosis some years ago. :)

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byanika 21 byanikaNo Gravatar
Twitter:
October 23, 2011 at 12:51 am

Good! Big smooch back.

Am very glad to hear it!

And, can not believe I actually answered your hair question seriously. Hahahhahahha

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22 RocquelleNo Gravatar
Twitter:
October 22, 2011 at 9:12 pm

I SURELY still see YOU my friend!! When it comes to things like weight, I’m not as observant as others (I guess because it’s really not super relevant) so until your last post, I hasn’t noticed your weight loss much. You look as beautiful and va-va voom as ever!!

As long as I love myself, imperfections and all, then who really cares what anyone else thinks?!

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byanika 23 byanikaNo Gravatar
Twitter:
October 22, 2011 at 11:12 pm

Oh sweetheart, I am so glad you are my friend. I love you so. Thank you for your words! You are amazing, and, and I don`t know if I have told you that you are one of my biggest inspirations in so many ways? Kisses!

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24 AquíNo Gravatar October 22, 2011 at 9:30 pm

beautiful words as always! I love the bit about crossing your legs :) I think its pretty normal for a persons weight to fluctuate with the comings and goings of stress. I still think you look fierce and I am always in awe of your sewing abilities. Even if I wanted to sew a pillow, it would be an all day project. Fantastic color in your boots too! I love me some mustard!

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byanika 25 byanikaNo Gravatar
Twitter:
October 22, 2011 at 11:10 pm

I am glad you did, I always like to throw in a bit of humour, because I live with so much of it in my daily life. Honey, I`ll sew you some pillows and deliver them in person! How`s that? :) Love, Anika

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26 Mimi and TillyNo Gravatar October 22, 2011 at 9:37 pm

I find your posts so inspiring, thank you for sharing so honestly. Whenever I read your posts, I find myself saying “yes, yes, yes!” I am 43 and feel more beautiful now than I did 20 years ago because i understand and accept myself much more. It’s weird because I put on a lot of weight when I developed an illness 8 years ago, but recently, as I let go of all the fears and decided to accept things just as they were, the weight kind of fell away as I took better care of myself and was much more gentle with myself. A friend told me a few years ago “What we resist, persists” and I guess she was right. Em x

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byanika 27 byanikaNo Gravatar
Twitter:
October 22, 2011 at 11:09 pm

Oh sweetheart, thank you so much for your words! I truly appreciate it. You are completely right, it is all about fear. Identifying that was such a freeing experience, in fact I always try to get to what my fear is whenever I hold my self back, so that I understand what I need to confront in order to move forward. I am also taking better care of my self now that I am getting older and making as much use of the lessons I have learned so far as I can. Sending you so many hugs!

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28 Mimi and TillyNo Gravatar October 29, 2011 at 12:09 pm

Sending hugs your way too! Em x

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29 stephanieNo Gravatar October 23, 2011 at 1:58 am

I always thought you were and are beautiful on the outside But I have always seen your inner beauty. You shine from the inside which makes you such a wonderful person. There are many people who have outer beauty, but lack the inner. Making them all around ugly. But you my friend have both! Lov ya & keep on shining :D

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30 KimberleeNo Gravatar
Twitter:
October 23, 2011 at 2:30 am

Beautifully said – AMEN!

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31 Susan TinerNo Gravatar October 23, 2011 at 3:03 am

Anika, from the first moment I met you in the online world I thought you were truly one of the most beautiful women I’d ever seen. I thought you should be the subject of a painting. I’m so sorry you’ve been experiencing stress and hope you have some relief soon. Stress is so horrible. As for weight, I struggle with this, am not as far along as you are in accepting myself as I am. You inspire me :) .

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32 Stacey KayNo Gravatar
Twitter:
October 23, 2011 at 8:17 am

Wow! I can’t believe you whipped up that awesome outfit! Gorgeous!

Goodwill Huntingg

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33 AnnaNo Gravatar
Twitter:
October 23, 2011 at 3:37 pm

my dear Anika, you looked fabulous before the weight loss and you still look fabulous! What counts more than looks is our personality and out attitude in life! I’d worry more if I didn’t see you smile (and I know you’ve been through a lot) or if I didn’t see you mixing patterns (that would worry me big time!)!

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34 Laura ConnellNo Gravatar October 24, 2011 at 5:08 am

There’s some new body image research that shows healthy weight loss only happens once you accept your body as it is. Seems counter-intuitive but your situation would seem to prove it true. For myself, I used to feel quite self-conscious about positive reactions to my appearance but now that I’m getting older I’m going to enjoy it while I can!

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35 Best Of Palm BeachNo Gravatar
Twitter:
October 24, 2011 at 11:37 pm

You look amazing my dear but what is even more amazing is the fact that you are not affected by people’s comments. I am currently reading this book “the gifts of imperfection” and I simply adore it, your post made me think of the book.

xx

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36 JamillahNo Gravatar
Twitter:
October 25, 2011 at 1:14 am

I love this: I am as beautiful at any given time as I perceive my self to be, you know?

I do know. I’m not going to lie I totally wince at weight comments. Ones that are about me slimming make me blush and ones that say I’ve gained weight make me blush…lol. When people talk about the way I look I veer the conversation because it has always made me a little uncomfortable. I guess it’s because I’m a bit protective about the way I feel about myself because it’s taken so long for me to build it up.

I hope you are fairing better, you certainly are as beautiful as always and of course sending a message full of positivity. LOVE YOU.

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37 OfeliaNo Gravatar October 25, 2011 at 2:34 am

Anika, for me you are beautiful and so stylish no matter what size you are because its something that come from within that makes you shine.
About your question, I myself struggle with up and down weight issues and I was put down and heavily criticized by my Mom, brother and ex-husband.
And despite of what they were telling me, I felt like I looked great and it wasn’t until my knees started to give me trouble that I decided to take better care of myself and loose few pounds.
No matter what size or what clothes I’m wearing or what others think of me for some reason I always think of myself highly and probably think I look better than what I really do!

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38 anitaNo Gravatar October 25, 2011 at 9:00 pm

you look as gorgeous as ever! i love this dress, just fabulous like all of your creations :) I belive that peoples comments about your looks are their problem. They have this idea of me in their mind, and they have to deal with that. We shouldn’t let it affect us. :)
Hope youre stress goes away soon!
keep your chin up !

xo
A_Riot

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39 AnnikaNo Gravatar October 26, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Hi Anika. I just found your blog and just wanted to say that your views as well as your looks are absolutely beautiful. You’re in a place that I hope to find one day, but until then, it feels good to know there are people like you for inspiration! I am very large at the moment, but was very slim a few years ago (after losing the weight I then put back on). I found that people usually do not comment to my face on how much weight I gained, which is probably for the best, as it would upset me. I know I am overweight, and I do not need anybody to point that out to me. But I remember being equally uncomfortable with people commenting on my weight loss, asking how I had done it, etc. I was proud that I had, but I felt that my body should not be the subject of conversations, unless I felt like bringing it up. I feel that weight is a very private thing, especially when you are struggling with it. It’s just hard for people to realize, as I guess your body is always there for everybody to see, almost like it’s your one most out-there fashion accessory.

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40 AsiaNo Gravatar October 26, 2011 at 7:34 pm

I just wanted to comment that I’ve gone through the same thing! I was very big all my life and lost an enormous amount of weight (though I did not do it in a healthy manner) I have slowly been gaining it all back over this past year and Its been brutal to see the faces of people that were once so AWED by my weightloss to see them now almost disappointed in me. As if they should feel anything about how my body transforms. And I too HATED people commenting on my weight-loss it made me feel very uncomfortable and it put a lot of pressure on me to continue to lose, like I was going to let these practical strangers down. If you ever want to email about what you’re going through please feel free to do so, I’d love to be able to talk to someone who’s in a similar place. :)

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41 AsiaNo Gravatar October 26, 2011 at 7:30 pm

Hi Anika, I was actually just about to post a blog entry about weight. I have been trying for years to be happy in my body. and its been hard, as I’m sure you know. I went from a 30 to a 16 and then up to a 24 then down to a 20 and up to a 26 all in the past 3 years. My style developed mostly when I was at my thinnest and that’s because for the first time in my life I was being seen, or I perceived myself as being seen and I wanted to be seen. when I was a size 30 I didn’t want people to look at me, and dressed to camouflage myself, at a 16 I was like a peacock, I’ve tried to maintain that bravado as I’ve gained weight, but its been hard. The cute dresses I once wore so jauntily now seem to be a showcase for rolls that I want to hide and I find myself layering on stuff to cover rather than to display. I find myself, and it’s heartbreaking, reverting to my old camouflaging ways. I battle with myself over this and the negative thoughts that I find becoming more prevalent than ever in my own head. thank you for your post and for all the posts that you make that are so positive and inspiring. I hope that one day I will truly love my own body and not just when I’m a smaller size. Keep up the awesomeness that is you!

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42 Bella QNo Gravatar
Twitter:
October 26, 2011 at 8:42 pm

God damn I love you.

This post gave me chills. I know it. I feel it. And it is love-in-the-bones to read it. xo. Bella q

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byanika 43 byanikaNo Gravatar
Twitter:
October 28, 2011 at 10:48 am

Mwuah and a mwuah and a mwuah! You know all the rest love.

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44 The Style CroneNo Gravatar October 27, 2011 at 3:37 pm

You are truly a self worth advocate. Beautiful!

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45 FajrNo Gravatar
Twitter:
October 27, 2011 at 8:45 pm

“My own truth about my beauty is constant. I stopped hiding a long time ago. If you squint a little you can still see me.”

Have I told you that I love you today? Well I do, simply because you are you. You embrace the beauty that is you and encourage me to do the same. I was having a pretty down day today, letting others actions affect me and reading this just made me realize that I am the only one who has to accept me. Your beauty and self-acceptance, despite of others’ opinions is so sincere and lovely. I want to be like you when I get older :)

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byanika 46 byanikaNo Gravatar
Twitter:
October 28, 2011 at 10:47 am

What the F do you mean when you get older ahhahahahhah.

Seriously though, you do the same for me. I love you to bits and miss you big time. I am glad you take something away from my posts, they all mean a lot to me, and writing always gets me moving one step in the right direction. Happy Friday sweetheart. Please know how amazing you are, with all that you are. Any one saying anything else is bullshit.

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47 FashnlvrNo Gravatar
Twitter:
October 29, 2011 at 4:41 pm

I love your dress and the way you mix prints. I have never been a large person but I have experienced the weight comments anyway. My mom used to tell me how “skinny” I was. That is what most people have to say to me. “You’re so tiny!” I even had a co-worker say to me once “Yvonne, you are SO skinny! You’re so skinny it’s disgusting!” Honestly, I am really NOT that tiny or skinny. I am 5foot 3inches tall and I weigh 115 pounds. It is the recommended weight for my height. I find telling someone they are “skinny” is equally as insulting as telling someone they are “fat.” It is just offensive and WRONG!
I am not a large person either vertically or horizontally on the outside, but does that really matter anyway?
When I visit you on your blog, the first thing I look at are your EYES. If I met you in person, I would look you in the eye then too. I feel it is the best way to really SEE a person. They are the window to the soul, non? Truly it is the soul or spirit of the person that matters.
Anika, that is why I love you so much. You have the most beautiful spirit and I am continuously amazed at how it glows and pulses out through the internet and touches me each time I “see” you!
So happy you are at peace with yourself > big, small or in between.
Much love to you!

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48 Rodrigo ValenzuelaNo Gravatar November 2, 2011 at 4:01 pm

Awesome pics! It is good to hear that you have lost your weight and you’re looking beautiful. I think you must further reduce your weight. Once you reduce, you will look great!

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49 FASHION TALESNo Gravatar
Twitter:
November 2, 2011 at 7:28 pm

I love you dear Anika. There’s nothing more pleasing than just being yourself. Nothing wrong with that, nothing to apologise for- just having the pleasure of being comfortable with who we are = simply the best! I’m ecstatic that you are who you are, (an encouraging soul) never change that! *On a more random note, when we finally meet I’d love to sew all day, whilst chatting, and being inspired… of course there will also be music involved, haha! -xxxoo Gigantic hugs to you.

*Adoring this beautiful post.

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byanika 50 byanikaNo Gravatar
Twitter:
November 6, 2011 at 12:35 pm

When we finally meet we need to make sure we have enough time for all of the delights of being toghether! I am so exited for when we finally meet, I feel completely sure that we will, and that we will be even more bonkers about each other when we do. Meanwhile, I would so love to skype, but haven`t got a camera. Is there an Iphone-way? You are wonderful, generous and amazing in every way. I am so grateful that you are my friend love!

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51 FortunatoNo Gravatar November 2, 2011 at 7:28 pm

You are such an inspiration to so many of us, and I thank you for that…Nice outfit..Thanks for sharing..

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52 WeeshaNo Gravatar February 21, 2012 at 8:59 pm

Good for you for knowing your worth has nothing to do with your weight, it’s upsetting when people compliment on weight loss and you’re lucky you have friends who are concerned for you instead of happy for your weight loss and dying to know how you did it. Stay beautiful and strong Anika <3

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